I am falling in love again with Ursala Le Guin. I love how her mind thinks. And I love how she writes. I used to love her science fiction when I was young. After a long separation from reading her works, I am now re-captivated by her thoughts about getting old. Sadly, she passed away earlier this year at a beautiful age of 88. But she lives on through her writings.

I am now reading one of her newer books called “No Time to Spare”. Even though I am not a 4G minister to be asked what I am reading, I’d still highly recommend that you pick up this book. Don’t say no time to read. Make the time for this book. Cos “No Time to Spare.”

One gift I received from Bhutan is a greater willingness to think and talk about death and dying. In Bhutan, death is a big thing. It signifies rebirth. Even if the sending off is almost too costly for some families to bear, it is still an important transition to observe.

A Bhutanese child I know recently had a bereavement. Her father had passed away after a long fight with damage to the liver. Upon his death, she used her hard-earned tuition fees to light butter lamps for him. Death is as important as life, if not more so, in Bhutan.

Aside from the death of the child’s father, since relocating back to Singapore 19 days ago, I have had death visit the friends and family of 3 other people. Each of these deaths have impacted their loved ones differently.

Death is a Celebration

For one friend, death was a celebration of a life well-lived, and of a person well-loved. The eulogy my friend gave was particularly moving. When I visited the wake, there were no tears. The mood was almost celebratory. I learnt that while alive, the deceased was the reason for the extended family coming together each week for meals. In her death, she was still the reason for them coming together to partake in a labor of love. What a gift she has been! I would like to live a full life like that.

Death is a Release

For another friend, death triggered a crisis of faith. The deceased was his mentor. The deceased had suffered from cancer and had prayed for healing. For my friend, his mentor’s death seemed untimely and caused him to question whether prayer is truly effective.

If I know my God, death can be an appropriate answer to a life beset by terminal illness. There is mercy in death, for it transitions us to the greater life beyond. Having witnessed my own father’s slow demise due to multiple strokes, I know that to die in the fullness of time can be a beautiful release.

Sometimes God answers prayers in ways we do not ask for. This is because He knows us better than we know ourselves. Love is giving what is best for us. It is not about acceding to what we clamor loudest for. Like a child who asks for too much milk simply because of a liking for milk, too much of a good thing can become a bad thing. Instead of overstaying in a land overflowing with milk and honey, it will be better to move on to the real promised land beyond.

Death is an Awakening

The third death struck closer to home. it happened to a relative of mine by marriage. I don’t know her personally, but I know it impacted my in-laws. My wife, who coincidentally is of the same age as the other 2 friends, was also sobered by the passing. It was a realization that death is not far from us. With each death encounter, we realize death is edging closer to home.

I did not attend that wake. But I heard that it was another celebration of a life well-lived. The deceased also passed away from cancer. But because the last days were lived out with dignified acceptance, consequently, the death could become a celebration of life.

Death Demands That We Live Life Better

Death can touch us directly, or in the most oblique of ways. For example, we have been entertaining some relatives visiting from afar. Quite likely, it will be the last time they will see my in-laws. Amidst the joyous reunion and the touristy things to do while in Singapore, there is the realization that this week will be a farewell in more ways than one. Hence, each night, the post-dinner conversation has been more deliberate between the families. It was really heart-warming to witness.

I hope the day that my mother and my in-laws pass on will not be too near. But I also know it is nearing with each passing day. Pre-Bhutan, it would have been disrespectful to even think about this topic, much less blog about it. But I have changed. Bhutan has changed me. The recent death encounters have also given me renewed clarity on how to approach life.

The best way to prepare for death is to live life well, and to share life together. For my in-laws and my mother, I think that is what they also wish for, even if they don’t say so. Hence, before that day comes, I will need to be purposeful about how to spend time with them. After all, that is the reason I gave to the King of Bhutan for wanting to relocate back to Singapore – to be with family.

What About My Own Death?

I am not sure how my own kids will take to me talking about my own death. Maybe I’ll freak them out. But I know Singapore is encouraging us to plan for our own eventual demise. (See for example https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/let-s-talk-about-death-10229816)

Hence, if it were up to me, I’d like to live till 70 years old. I’d like to have lived a full life but not more. I’d want to be able to have grandchildren to play with (if my kids would reverse their decisions not to marry) but not be a burden to them when they grow up. While I am still able, I’d want to plan my funeral and write my own eulogy. (Any suggestions for a hymn anyone?)

Then, having taken care of the exit, I’d want to review how to spend my remaining days on earth. I’d probably not have a bucket list – that would be too pressurizing. Instead, I’d want to have a thankfulness list, and I’d want that list to be as long as the hairs on my head (Haha! Just kidding).

I’d want to have something to give to my kids as a remembrance. (Not material wealth – sorry kiddos!) There is a Chinese saying:

赐子千金不如教子一艺
Cì zǐ qiān jīn bù rú jiào zǐ yī yì

It means: Better to teach a child a skill than give money. (Yup..I’m stingy that way.)

I’d want to make sure that I equip my kids with the life skills for fruitful living. I’d want them to be able to live life fully. That way, I can die peacefully.

The Daily Dying

Finally, having taken care of the living days, I’d want to take care of the dying days. I’d want to make sure I start to die each day. For there is the death that comes unbidden to us, and there is the dying to be subjected to willingly. The Christian discipline of the daily death is similar yet different from the Buddhist traditions. But Bhutan has reminded me that here in Singapore, we do too much to keep ourselves alive and don’t do enough to die to self.

Anyway, it is time to go live this life with death in mind. On this score, my computer tells me I have 23 years, 1 month and 23 days left on my clock. “No Time to Spare.” (Get the book. It’s worth the read!)