“The most intimate of interpersonal spaces is found in bed. But the biggest interpersonal distance can also be found on the same bed.”
What is Interpersonal Space?
The space between people is not measured by metrics of distance, but by moments of devotion. It is not about how far apart one is physically from our loved ones. For that matter, a loved one could have passed on to the Great Beyond, and still be fondly held in one’s heart, firmly remembered in one’s memories. There’s a Portuguese word that says this better for such kinds of remembrance – “Saudade”. “Saudade is a feeling of longing, melancholy, desire, and nostalgia that is characteristic of the Brazilian or Portuguese temperament. It describes a deep emotional state; a yearning for a happiness that has passed, or perhaps never even existed. It carries with it a touch of melancholy, yet in that wistfulness there is love as well. One thing is certain: the object or person of that saudade does not inhabit the present space or time.” https://blog.rosettastone.com/words-beyond-translation-saudade/
No, the closeness between people is better measured by special moments. Moments that should matter but missed; moments unintended but memorable – these moments are special because they are momentary in time, yet timeless in nature.
A Moment of Madness
Recently, I had a late dinner with my kids. Wife had brought them to exercise and by the time they were done, all of us were famished and ready for a good dinner. We had a hearty dinner, and then went downstairs for groceries. While Wife shopped, the music came on. Daughter started to sway to the beat. I decided to join in with a funky counter beat using the (thankfully) empty shopping basket as a makeshift castanet. Wife took a moment to dispense an eye roll in our (my) direction. Meanwhile, Son who was on his phone, looked up and noticed that Dad may be in trouble with his Wife. Very helpfully, he broke into a full blown hip hop routine to press home my plight.
That attracted the attention of a nearby shopper. He looked at us and, after some hesitation, smiled. The three of us, suddenly encouraged, put more heart into our budding busker beat. Then Wife smiled, perhaps secretly pleased at the affirmation from the stranger shopper. (Or it could just be her normal resignation at being been associated with our antics.) We eventually stopped when another shopper looked at us, shocked and torn between needing to exit the place versus leaving her spot in the checkout queue. We all laughed, partly at ourselves, and mostly with each other. It was a moment of joyful abandon that emerged out of nowhere, as these moments sometimes do, that became moments that eventually mattered. One can’t plan for these moments. The best one can do is to recognise and harvest them as best as we can.
Under-Appreciated Leadership Skill
An old army friend of mine once remarked, ”Adrian, why did you have to do a PhD on leadership? Isn’t leadership simply about uniting hearts and minds?” I believe he got that definition of leadership right – after all, he retired from the army as a general.
Leadership is about many things – influencing, visioning, caring, crafting, developing, and yes, connecting people together. Leaders who can do all of these but fail at connecting people together will eventually fail at being remembered for their humanity.
In the 2018 Skills Gap Survey by the Financial Times, employers responded that ’soft skills’ were most desired, yet skills like “ability to influence others” were hardest to recruit for. I’d add to that list the ability to effectively manage interpersonal spaces between people.
Human beings are a curious mix of demands, variously seeking both interaction and isolation. “I need to talk.” “We need to talk.” “I need to be alone.” “Why are you ignoring me?” “Why don’t you just leave me alone?” And on it goes, an endless cycle of interaction and isolation. It takes great craft and timing to know how to show up for the other. Put a few of these individuals (think emo teens, perhaps) together in the same room and all of a sudden, it becomes a leadership (and parenting) challenge. There is a timeless leadership skill in how we hold and nurture space that is hard to teach yet critical to master.
COVID and Isolation
This COVID-19 pandemic is revealing itself to be endemic in how it accentuates human isolation. In COVID-19, the safest nations are perceived to be those which are sparsely populated. The safest people are those who do not have physical contact with others. The most quickly infected are those who live in urban spaces, where interpersonal space is more limited. And within these city centres, the types of people most quickly affected are those who invite others to share in their own interpersonal space, whether as a social norm or as a religious practice.
COVID-19 veers people towards greater physical isolation. These days, it seems better to stay at home than to go out. A sneeze in public space can get you in trouble faster than you can say “Terrorist” at the immigration security line at the airport. (Incidentally, I have great admiration for our Immigration team who now have to deal with the additional challenge of sifting out viral and terror threats alongside all the other usual suspects.)
One leadership challenge amidst COVID-19 lies in how one protects the overlap of interpersonal space that is much needed for human flourishing. This virus is not just physical. Neither is it just an epidemic of fear. At the core of it, it strikes at the heart of what it means to be human, for it targets the very nature of human interaction itself.
The Nature of Leadership in Holding Space
One metaphor of leadership is very instructive for how leaders ought to hold space. It is the metaphor of the leader as a shepherd. A shepherd organises the flock and ensures that the space is safe. The shepherd knows his flock by name. The bond between each sheep and the shepherd is strong. It does not degrade with distance, for at the sound of the shepherd’s voice, the sheep responds.
There is much one can read into such a metaphor. This blog piece does not intend to veer in that direction. Suffice to say, we sheep, like our hearts, tend to stray, and love to go our own ways. It takes a leader with a pastoral instinct to shepherd hearts well. And this instinct is sorely lacking, strangely under-appreciated, and hugely needed in leaders.
To revisit my starting quote, many leaders who don’t know how to shepherd hearts fall into marital difficulties and relational deficits with their loved ones. For the timeless leadership skill of holding interpersonal space, look no further than to how the leader handles his heart and his hearth. Hold well the two, and heaven will follow.
Post note: It has been such a long while since I last posted something. These days, there’s quite a bit of re-tooling going on within me as I embark on a new season here in Singapore. Thanks for being patient!
