Adrian Says

This is a post about letter writing which can be read in conjunction with my other post on How to Reflect and Journal Part 3: Drafts and Versions. Many of the ideas about reflection and journaling shared in this post are elaborated on further there. 

For those who are married, when was the last time you wrote a letter to your spouse? If your courtship was typical of the days of long ago, you’d have communicated with your loved one via ink and paper. In those letters will be your deepest, more intimate communications you’d ever have with another soul. Many of the things shared in those letters may even make you cringe should you get to reread them today. You may even still have those letters stored away somewhere. (If you still retain letters you have written to your former love and not your current spouse, you should probably burn those.)

Knowing About versus Knowing

These days, communication is a lost art. Although our knowledge of communication has never been greater, or more accessible via tools in the palm of our hands, the irony is that I feel we know less about communication when compared to our forefathers.

There is a difference between knowing about something, and truly knowing something. Knowing about something can mean one having a degree in it. Truly knowing something requires a daily practice of skill and habit.

Knowing about one’s spouse is not difficult. These days, it is scary how easy one’s digital imprint is available for all to see; one does not even need to hire a private investigator to compile such information anymore.

On the other hand, knowing one’s spouse is a lifelong endeavour. Done right, this endeavour is not toilsome but a joy. It is a journey not only pleasurable, but hugely beneficial to oneself and to one’s spouse.

On a lighter note, for the men reading this: It is one thing to know about women; it is another to know your wife. The former can perhaps win you a beer or two. The latter wins you the right to sleep on the same bed as your wife at home. 

What’s in a Letter?

What has all this to do with writing letters to one’s spouse? Regular letter writing is a manifestation of the joy and benefit that I referred to. When one writes a letter, it instantly has more intrinsic value than an SMS or a Snapchat (which is designed to delete the message as soon as it is read).

A Letter is Reflective Writing

A letter is also less immediate. It takes time to craft a letter. While the impatient world these days will view this as a disadvantage, I view this as crucial for deep communication. Words that matter need time to be crafted. It requires reflection, and multiple drafts.

I have written hasty letters (often when in emotional distress) which I have learnt over the course of time never to mail out. These letters served as a cathartic outlet for me, never to be read by another.

My letters to my wife are always the product of much thought. At times, it can be too much. My wife often remarked to others that my love letters to her in our early days of courtship read more like sermons than sonnets! (I do wish I can lighten up at times but I am still learning to manage my humour and emotions).

A Letter is Reflective Reading

A letter can also be read and reread. Words that matter take time to sink in. I recall the emotions when I receive a letter from my wife. There is nothing like holding a physical copy in one’s hand to muse over and to allow the words to enter into the deepest places of one’s soul.

These days, whenever I travel on my own, my wife and children would write letters to me, one letter for each day away. I treasure those letters greatly. I’d wait eagerly to open up a letter a day. When I have bad days at work, I’d even open up the next letter to read ahead! Other days, I’d just reread the letters already open.

I strongly encourage this practice of writing to your loved ones when you are away on business trips without your family. I have been blessed to be at the receiving end of this practice from my family.

What are in those series of letters?

One can learn much if one was to retrace one’s progression as a person through those letters. In some ways, when one rereads one’s old letters, it is like learning from one’s past. One can embark on higher order learning and discover something else about oneself. For example, in my case, I have discovered that the kinds of questions that I have been preoccupied with about marriage have transformed over the years in the manner below

From “Me” Focused

• “Who do I want to marry?”
• “What do I want out of this marriage?”

To “You” Focused

• “What would you like for our wedding anniversary?”
• “What would you want to do for our wedding anniversary?”

To “We” Focused

• “What are we like these days?”
• “What do we want to grow into in our future anniversaries?”

To “God” Focused

• “How are we honouring God through our marriage?’
• “How can our marriage be a blessing to others?”

Letters as a Family

These days, we are trying to take the letter writing culture further in our family. I have started a series of “Letters to Family” reflections on my Evernote (I am at Letter #226 as of today). As a family, we are almost completing a journal that we have been recording regarding what we are thankful for each day.

It is hard to keep the balance between being truly reflective versus being ritualistic in just completing entries. However, when one thinks about it, isn’t this what life is? One can live life completing checkboxes and to-do lists, or one can really drink deeply of what life has to offer by savouring each moment, being fully present, ever growing one’s capacity for whatever else life has to offer.

Write a letter to your spouse today. Treat it as a planting for the old age that is to come. You’ll be surprised at what you can harvest in due course.