“Fathers, do not provoke your children”
Who’s Provoking Who?
In Eph 6:4 and Col 3:21, Paul instructs fathers not to provoke / exasperate their children. WHAT? Anyone who’s ever been a father would claim that more often than not, it is their children who provoke the parents, not the other way around. Paul didn’t know what he was talking about. After all, he wasn’t even married nor did he had kids of his own.
I recall the many moments I’ve been provoked by my kids, and this is even when they are not out to provoke me intentionally. Parenting is perplexing and enervating. And we are often not at our best when we are at our tiredest. In those days, I am easily provoked.
But if we take God’s Word to be true, and that God is perfect in how He uses imperfect people and speech to convey His perfect truth, then we must take this instruction of not provoking our kids seriously. More importantly, we need to uncover the perfect truth conveyed through this instruction.
How Not to Provoke
So, why tell dads not to provoke their kids when most dads feel it is the kids that provoke? Well, think about it. Might it be that perhaps the kids learn how to provoke from …. the parents? In other words, we role model provoking and our children learn these tactics from us. I asked ChatGPT to list out the ways fathers can unintentionally provoke their kids.
Here is the list it came up with – how many of these describe us?
💬 Communication & Tone
- Constant criticism or nitpicking — focusing on flaws rather than strengths.
- Sarcasm or belittling humor — meant to be funny but can embarrass or hurt.
- Lecturing instead of listening — offering advice too quickly rather than hearing the child out.
- Yelling or harsh tone — even if meant to correct, it can feel intimidating or shaming.
⚖️ Expectations & Comparisons
- Unrealistic expectations — pushing too hard for perfection or achievement.
- Comparing to siblings or peers — “Why can’t you be more like…” undermines confidence.
- Over-controlling or micromanaging — not allowing age-appropriate independence.
❤️ Emotional Disconnect
- Being emotionally unavailable — not expressing affection or interest in their inner world.
- Dismissing feelings — “You’re fine,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” invalidates emotions.
- Inconsistency — unpredictable moods or discipline confuse and frustrate kids.
🏠 Behavioral Patterns
- Playing favorites (even subtly) — giving more attention or praise to one child.
- Over-reliance on authority — “Because I said so” without explanation fosters resentment.
- Making promises then not following through — erodes trust over time.
🕒 Presence & Priorities
- Being physically present but mentally absent — distracted by work, devices, etc.
- Failing to show up for important moments — missing games, recitals, or simply quality time.
(Not) Provoking Begins with Us
So the Bible is actually right. If we want our kids to not provoke us, we need to do better at role modelling how not to provoke our kids. It’s easier said than done. Today is Father’s Day. Rest if you must. Recharge if it helps. When we take care of our rest, the rest are easier to take care of.
